child and parent, student and teacher

As a parent of 2 young boys, a teacher and mentor at work, and a new student of Tai Chi, I think a lot about child-parent and student-teacher relationships, which can be wonderful, but can also be difficult. As I’ve grown up (even into my 30’s!), I was often unhappy with my teachers and mentors, many of whom seemed to be either too disengaged and remote, or too controlling in a way that advanced their own interests much more than my growth.  To be blunt, it seems that many parents and teachers are too wrapped up in their own narcissistic needs to keep their children’s best interests in mind, and instead use their kids to try to satisfy those narcissistic needs.  As children or students grow in independence and skills, some parents or teachers have difficulty letting go, or even feel threatened or competitive toward the child or student.  This competitiveness can lead parents to be overly punitive or to demonstrate their own superiority in a way that humiliates the child, which tends to tear down a child’s self-esteem and self confidence, rather than helping him grow.

Although I’ve been criticizing many parents and teachers, now that I am a parent and teacher myself, I have more sympathy for how hard it is to be really good in these roles.  As a parent, as much as you love your child, you can’t be 100% available and giving all the time—you still are a human being yourself, with needs of your own.  Some degree of narcissism on the part of parents is understandable, and healthy.  It’s really difficult to find the right balance between your kids needs, which can seem endless, and your own.  Also, as kids rebel or defy you, it takes a lot of restraint and effort to not give in to your frustration, impatience, and anger, and overuse the power you have in the relationship.

The Taoist approach to parenting or teaching, which is easier said than done, is to try to be present and available for the child or student as much as possible, but to avoid going too far in using children for your own narcissistic needs or abusing your power as a parent or teacher by being controlling, dominating, overly punitive, or exerting your superiority too vigorously.

“The Tao nourishes by not forcing.

By not dominating, the Master leads.”

–Tao Te Ching, Chapter 81, Stephen Mitchell translation

While it’s important to set limits and use some discipline and structure in raising kids, the Taoist approach is to do so with a sense of restraint and gentleness.  It can help to try to remember what it was like to be a kid yourself, and how you hated to be either ignored, on the one hand, or dominated and controlled, on the other.   Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated or impatient with my own kids, I try to remember that, as much as kids try to exert some control, they and I both know that I’m the parent, and hence the more powerful one in the relationship, so I, as the parent, have nothing to prove, and there is no need to abuse my power, which would only be scary to my kids and wouldn’t help.

The Taoist way is also to let go of seeing your kids as a competitive threat, of worrying that they might outdo you.  As a teacher, as impressive as your knowledge, skills, and achievements are, you are only one person, and there is only so much you can accomplish in your own lifetime.  By sharing what you know, encouraging your kids or students, allowing them to have increasing autonomy, and grow into their own people, you create a legacy for the next generation that may be as important or more important than anything you could hope to accomplish alone in your own life.

“Mother and Kitten” by Ren Adams

http://www.etsy.com/shop/plasticpumpkin

“If you are a parent or a teacher, nurture your children well…if you are ever to make your children independent, you have to love them and nurture them without reserve.

“The lamb is a symbol of devotion and docility.  Gentleness should be every parent’s and teacher’s standard.  Sure, life is tough.  Sure, you never had it as good as today’s young.  But isn’t it time someone had it good and right?  Maybe it’s too late for us.  But it isn’t too late to create some good feelings and hope in someone else.

“Good parents not only nurture children with food, they nurture them emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually as well.  The most important thing they can do is simply to be present.  It is not a matter of quality time.  It is a matter simply of time.  The best thing you can do is just to be there as often and as long as possible.  If you can always be present for your child, then your child will understand what presence and constancy are.  There is no way to teach this other than by example.

“Some masters in old schools withheld their ‘secrets’ in fear that their students would surpass them.  With such selfishness, it is no wonder that their lineages have died out.  What do you, as the elder, have to fear by teaching all you know?  The child can never ‘catch up’ to you.  But if you teach without holding back, then the child may someday extend what you have passed on.

“It is in the selflessness of nurturing that the nurturer is in turn nurtured.”

–Deng Ming-Dao, essay entitled “Nurture” in the book “Everyday Tao:  Living with Balance and Harmony,” 1996

Of course, in our modern American culture, it seems almost impossible, and, some might argue, not even necessarily desirable or healthy, to be physically present for your child all the time, especially as they get beyond early infancy.  But, if I understand him correctly, Deng Ming-Dao is talking more broadly about a type of “presence” that encompasses, not just being physically in proximity to your child, but being emotionally present for your children and having the time to really listen to them (see my other post on “Listening”) when they need you, even if you are not always physically present.  Part of this idea of listening is trying to understand the child’s perspective, and trying to open ourselves up to seeing them and accepting them for who they are, not what who we hoped they would be.

Conversely, as a child or student, while it’s essential to learn from your parents and teachers and give them the respect they deserve, it’s important to not allow yourself to go too far in being dominated or controlled by them, or to give up your own self-esteem for a teacher.

“No matter what happens in life, believe in yourself.  Don’t give that up for a god.  Don’t give that up for a master.  Don’t give that up for a parent.  Don’t give that up for a spouse.  Don’t give that up for a child.  No matter what, believe in yourself…

“Not one of these people can live life in your place.  Not one of these people knows you like you know yourself…

“Too many people let others dominate them.   For what?  For the good of the other only….If you let your parents dominate you, who benefits?  Your parents.  If you let a master dominate you, who is empowered?  The master….And where does that leave you?  The master says, ‘Study with me, or be relegated to ignorant sorrow.’…Tell me, what good are associations built on dirty threats?”

—-Deng Ming-Dao, essay entitled “Yourself” in the book “Everyday Tao:  Living with Balance and Harmony,” 1996

One of the hardest parts of the child-parent or student-teacher relationship is that it continuously changes over time, as the child or student grows in knowledge and ability and capacity for independence, and differentiates from the parent or teacher.  This requires that the parent let go more and more, and that the child become more independent.  If a parent can handle this well enough (although perfection is not necessary), can let their child grow in independence, can let go, but continue to be there for their child or student when they need them without controlling them, the child’s heart will be filled with love for their parent, love that will never die.

“The Tao gives birth to all beings,
nourishes them, maintains them,
cares for them, comforts them, protects them,
takes them back to itself,
creating without possessing,
acting without expecting,
guiding without interfering.
That is why love of the Tao
is in the very nature of things.”

–Tao Te Ching, Chapter 51, Stephen Mitchell translation

 

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